| There is lots of snow in the mountains but in our | | | | wrong ark too. Let me explain it: Noah-Arc: |
| golden valley it's warming up and the winds are not | | | | Moses-Ark of the Covenant. Noah's ark is now an |
| howling. Our daffodils are peeking up out of the | | | | aberration on Mount Arafat. See and also see |
| ground. That can only mean one thing: It's time to | | | | "Nobody knows where the Ark of the Covenant is. |
| polish the golf clubs. | | | | Ethiopia? It either carried God's Crown or the Ten |
| That's what I was doing. I went out into the garage | | | | Commandments or both. See |
| and started cleaning my golf clubs. I haven't played | | | | She twitched her nose and said, "Whatever! They're |
| golf for ten years. It was something I did about once | | | | not that much to look at." |
| a week with my company's handicap league and on | | | | I said, "You haven't seen them. You are just spoofing |
| special company-related occasions. | | | | me again." |
| Recently, I haven't really been able to play golf but I | | | | She reached into her pocket and handed me two |
| now have the aortic valve of a wonderful hog in my | | | | very small pieces of wood. She said, "I knew you |
| chest that can handle snow shoveling and weed | | | | wouldn't believe me." |
| pulling. What I was thinking was that it could handle | | | | She gave me her pout. |
| golf too, if the opportunity came up. | | | | We played eighteen holes on the public golf course. |
| That's when Xrytspet plopped her bottom on my | | | | The scar was: Taylor Jones, the hack writer 133 and |
| work table after pushing to the floor an old paint can, | | | | Xrytspet 18. It was a new high for me thanks to |
| a three foot board, a perfectly good fan heater I | | | | that hog. |
| had taken out of my neighbor's garbage can, and a | | | | I drove up to Moscow to our great University there |
| can of nails and screws. | | | | to see Professor Samuel Greenberg, a dendrologist. I |
| I said, "You can levitate that stuff right back there | | | | found him on the campus thumping a large oak tree. |
| after you get your butt off my work table." | | | | He said, "Do you know that trees can talk?" |
| She pointed her sixth pinky at my treasures and | | | | I knew that Dr. Greenberg no longer taught at the |
| levitated them into the garbage can. Then she | | | | University because of his strange behavior. But still, |
| levitated to the garbage can all the other stuff from | | | | he knows more about ancient trees than any man on |
| my table except three pairs of pliers, two screw | | | | earth and still has his little laboratory behind the |
| drivers, a coping saw, a sledgehammer, and a pack | | | | power plant. |
| of sandpaper. She levitated the tools to my Sears(R) | | | | I said, "Dr. Greenberg, can you look at a couple of |
| roll-around tool cabinet except for the sledge which | | | | pieces of wood for me." |
| she parked in the corner of the garage. | | | | He looked at me through thick glasses and said, |
| I knew my wife would be so happy. I said, "Don't | | | | "Wood? |
| stop now." | | | | "What kind of wood? |
| Xrytspet said, "I want you to teach me to play golf." | | | | "Why did Taylor Jones, the hack writer, drive all the |
| I said, "You can't appear in public and people will think | | | | way from Magic Valley clean up here to Moscow? |
| it weird seeing a golf club swinging in the air all by | | | | "It must be very important. Very important! Where is |
| itself." | | | | the wood?" |
| She popped into a golf outfit that looked as crazy as | | | | I said, "I put them in these glass vials." |
| some of the other golf outfits I've seen on the public | | | | He said, "Very scientific. Let's go to my laboratory |
| golf course. She wore big sunglasses that covered a | | | | behind the power plant." |
| good part of her face. I figured she had shopped at | | | | At the laboratory, Dr. Greenberg looked at the two |
| and said, "Okay. Nobody is going to notice. What are | | | | pieces of wood under the microscope. |
| you going to use for clubs?" | | | | He had labeled my vials "A" and "B." |
| "There in the corner." | | | | He said, "No doubt about "A." It is gopher wood. |
| I looked and sure enough there was a WAILEA | | | | "Now, let's look at "B." My God! |
| Tropical Print Golf Bag, red with tropical flowers. I | | | | "This is acacia or shittah-tree wood. |
| knew it was $369.00. The clubs were different | | | | "Wait, there is a hair here. It's from a beaver skin. |
| however. I said, "Where did you get those strange | | | | "Here is a blue fiber. |
| clubs? They look electronic." | | | | "There is a trace of gold on the end of the piece of |
| She said, "They are a gift from Silzrack. He gave | | | | wood. |
| them to me as a gift for my 17456th birthday. They | | | | "Where did you get these, Taylor Jones, the hack |
| are almost, as you would say, handmade." | | | | writer? I must have them." |
| I said, "Holy Cripes! What birthday?" | | | | The last time I saw Dr. Greenberg he was running as |
| She said, "You humans live such short meaningless | | | | fast as he could to his immaculate vintage Ford |
| lives." | | | | station wagon with the wood panels. |
| I said, "You heard that in Men in Black, Xrytspet." | | | | I'd give my left ventricle for that car. |
| She blinked her eyes, blinding me for three minutes. I | | | | I learned later from the department secretary, Hazel |
| said, "I told you to stop doing that." | | | | Elm, that Dr. Greenberg had been institutionalized |
| "Sorry, Taylor Jones, the hack writer. But that was | | | | because he thought he had obtained wood from |
| not the first time I heard that. Moses said it when he | | | | Noah's ark and the Ark of the Covenant. |
| waved goodbye to the riff raft who would not help | | | | I had been the cause of all the trouble. I should have |
| him build the ark." | | | | believed Xrytspet. |
| I said, "It was Noah and you probably have the | | | | |