| Golf is a daft game - after all, the worse | | | | |
| golfer you are, the higher score you get! So | | | | Another mistake. I thought the little white |
| for all you addicts that are determined to | | | | apron Alice the waitress wears, with two big |
| score less, here are some helpful hints to | | | | pockets on the front, would be perfect |
| where not to practice your golf game that | | | | practice for those little chip shots. I think |
| I've picked up on the way. | | | | she had a problem as soon as I got my wedge |
| | | | out. She put her hands over her openings and |
| 1. The Car | | | | was playing really hard to get, which I put |
| | | | down as the sole reason for my over-excited |
| Apart from the obvious advantage of | | | | lob into table 7's cup of Lapsang Souchong. |
| practicing your full golf swing from the | | | | (On reflection, I don't think muttering |
| passenger seat whilst your mother-in-law is | | | | "bunker" to Elsie on the way out helped a lot |
| in the back, generally the car is a bad place | | | | either). |
| for golf. The little rubber floor mat only | | | | |
| allows practice of putts of somewhat less | | | | 5. The Curry House |
| than 9 inches, although in my case this could | | | | |
| prove useful. Anyway, some idiot always seems | | | | By Friday I'd had enough. I decided to chuck |
| to take a sharp left or right turn | | | | the whole golf idea and dump the clubs in the |
| immediately after the ball is struck, leading | | | | canal. Fortunately my route took me past the |
| to rather unpredictable results and very | | | | local alehouse and I somehow managed to |
| often a prolonged period spent with your head | | | | convince myself to drown my sorrows in a |
| upside down between your knees trying to find | | | | gallon of Old Grumblebelly instead. Fred, |
| the ball under your seat. Personally, I have | | | | George and Bob were there as usual and very |
| found that a long drive, being somewhat more | | | | understanding, constantly trying to take my |
| than 200 miles, makes me rather despondent | | | | mind off my sorrow with encouraging words |
| towards the whole game of golf, as I | | | | like "It's your round" and "Mine's a Harvey |
| regularly only manage about 150 yards. | | | | Wallbanger with a splash of Tartare Sauce and |
| | | | an umbrella." A mere nine rounds later and |
| 2. The Library | | | | the venue had magically changed into "The |
| | | | Blossoming Lotus Flower of Tranquil Waters" |
| Although there is usually plenty of room for | | | | Chinese restaurant down Fleapit Lane behind |
| a good sized swing, it seems that the | | | | the Gasworks. Unfortunately the proprietor |
| pre-emptory shout of "FORE" as loud as | | | | remembered my escapades a fortnight before |
| possible, gains no respect at all. It was | | | | with the belly-putter at one of those tables |
| only warning people for the good of their | | | | with a revolving upper level and promptly |
| health! Sometimes I wonder if courtesy is | | | | sent us on our way. |
| dead. A shame all the same, as those Ming | | | | |
| vases on pedestals were really good targets. | | | | "The Tiger's Revenge" curry house was right |
| | | | next door. A vindaloo and four pints of |
| 3. The Supermarket | | | | "Great Crested Grebe" lager and confidence in |
| | | | my golfing abilities had returned. I thought |
| It started really well. I worked on day | | | | they'd understand the obvious place to stick |
| shifts so I went down to Tesbury's at 4.00 in | | | | the tee was the tip of the tiger's tail in |
| the morning and chose a really long, deserted | | | | the Kashmir carpet but apparently not so. The |
| aisle, took out the 5-iron and gave the ball | | | | tee removed, I took a fairway iron instead. |
| a hefty thwack. They even provided little | | | | Remembering all the coaching books whilst |
| golf carts with four little wheels, although | | | | aiming at the helpfully attended open front |
| I think they needed to get some servicing | | | | door - I took a nice big divot and the ball |
| done on them as they frequently veered me | | | | sailed sweetly through the aperture into the |
| into a stack of beans. Unfortunately they | | | | street beyond. However, before I had the |
| have changed my shift pattern and now I'm on | | | | chance to cry "Eureka" the ball struck a |
| nights. I went to get a tin of spam last week | | | | lamppost square on and rebounded back through |
| at 4.00 in the afternoon, and Mr | | | | the door striking George, tactfully trying to |
| Bollinger-Bowles in aisle 4 gave me a right | | | | replace the divot back into the tiger's eye, |
| verbal just because my 3-wood shot pinned his | | | | a glancing blow on his nether regions. Had it |
| pavlova to Amy Smith's Red Snapper down at | | | | not been for the ball finally coming to rest |
| the fish counter. It was one of my best shots | | | | just in front of the size 12 boot of the |
| ever, and while I was explaining that they | | | | advancing cook, serious damage could have |
| should have been applauding my efforts | | | | been done by that cleaver. |
| instead, the local Bobby came in and marked | | | | |
| my card. I can't go back there any more. | | | | Pity, I was just getting the hang of this |
| | | | golf lark. |
| 4. Elsie Frannigan's Olde Tea Shoppe | | | | |