| Golf is a daft game - after all, the worse golfer you | | | | the waitress wears, with two big pockets on the |
| are, the higher score you get! So for all you addicts | | | | front, would be perfect practice for those little chip |
| that are determined to score less, here are some | | | | shots. I think she had a problem as soon as I got my |
| helpful hints to where not to practice your golf game | | | | wedge out. She put her hands over her openings and |
| that I've picked up on the way. | | | | was playing really hard to get, which I put down as |
| 1. The Car | | | | the sole reason for my over-excited lob into table 7's |
| Apart from the obvious advantage of practicing your | | | | cup of Lapsang Souchong. (On reflection, I don't think |
| full golf swing from the passenger seat whilst your | | | | muttering "bunker" to Elsie on the way out helped a |
| mother-in-law is in the back, generally the car is a bad | | | | lot either). |
| place for golf. The little rubber floor mat only allows | | | | 5. The Curry House |
| practice of putts of somewhat less than 9 inches, | | | | By Friday I'd had enough. I decided to chuck the |
| although in my case this could prove useful. Anyway, | | | | whole golf idea and dump the clubs in the canal. |
| some idiot always seems to take a sharp left or right | | | | Fortunately my route took me past the local |
| turn immediately after the ball is struck, leading to | | | | alehouse and I somehow managed to convince |
| rather unpredictable results and very often a | | | | myself to drown my sorrows in a gallon of Old |
| prolonged period spent with your head upside down | | | | Grumblebelly instead. Fred, George and Bob were |
| between your knees trying to find the ball under | | | | there as usual and very understanding, constantly |
| your seat. Personally, I have found that a long drive, | | | | trying to take my mind off my sorrow with |
| being somewhat more than 200 miles, makes me | | | | encouraging words like "It's your round" and "Mine's a |
| rather despondent towards the whole game of golf, | | | | Harvey Wallbanger with a splash of Tartare Sauce |
| as I regularly only manage about 150 yards. | | | | and an umbrella." A mere nine rounds later and the |
| 2. The Library | | | | venue had magically changed into "The Blossoming |
| Although there is usually plenty of room for a good | | | | Lotus Flower of Tranquil Waters" Chinese restaurant |
| sized swing, it seems that the pre-emptory shout of | | | | down Fleapit Lane behind the Gasworks. |
| "FORE" as loud as possible, gains no respect at all. It | | | | Unfortunately the proprietor remembered my |
| was only warning people for the good of their health! | | | | escapades a fortnight before with the belly-putter at |
| Sometimes I wonder if courtesy is dead. A shame all | | | | one of those tables with a revolving upper level and |
| the same, as those Ming vases on pedestals were | | | | promptly sent us on our way. |
| really good targets. | | | | "The Tiger's Revenge" curry house was right next |
| 3. The Supermarket | | | | door. A vindaloo and four pints of "Great Crested |
| It started really well. I worked on day shifts so I | | | | Grebe" lager and confidence in my golfing abilities had |
| went down to Tesbury's at 4.00 in the morning and | | | | returned. I thought they'd understand the obvious |
| chose a really long, deserted aisle, took out the 5-iron | | | | place to stick the tee was the tip of the tiger's tail in |
| and gave the ball a hefty thwack. They even | | | | the Kashmir carpet but apparently not so. The tee |
| provided little golf carts with four little wheels, | | | | removed, I took a fairway iron instead. Remembering |
| although I think they needed to get some servicing | | | | all the coaching books whilst aiming at the helpfully |
| done on them as they frequently veered me into a | | | | attended open front door - I took a nice big divot |
| stack of beans. Unfortunately they have changed my | | | | and the ball sailed sweetly through the aperture into |
| shift pattern and now I'm on nights. I went to get a | | | | the street beyond. However, before I had the |
| tin of spam last week at 4.00 in the afternoon, and | | | | chance to cry "Eureka" the ball struck a lamppost |
| Mr Bollinger-Bowles in aisle 4 gave me a right verbal | | | | square on and rebounded back through the door |
| just because my 3-wood shot pinned his pavlova to | | | | striking George, tactfully trying to replace the divot |
| Amy Smith's Red Snapper down at the fish counter. | | | | back into the tiger's eye, a glancing blow on his |
| It was one of my best shots ever, and while I was | | | | nether regions. Had it not been for the ball finally |
| explaining that they should have been applauding my | | | | coming to rest just in front of the size 12 boot of |
| efforts instead, the local Bobby came in and marked | | | | the advancing cook, serious damage could have been |
| my card. I can't go back there any more. | | | | done by that cleaver. |
| 4. Elsie Frannigan's Olde Tea Shoppe | | | | Pity, I was just getting the hang of this golf lark. |
| Another mistake. I thought the little white apron Alice | | | | |